weighing confidence..

Around August last year I was somewhere between 170 and 180.. and feeling good about my physical well-being. Oh, I know I'm not attractive.. the face I can't help: it's functional, and I'm getting older. Oh, the weight! I was feeling OK about my weight..

I was walking a lot and feeling the difference in my joints a bit, and feeling it in the size of my clothes. Stuff I pulled out of the "too small" drawer fit comfortably. I was in a good space to keep going. Fast forward to today and I'm not that same person; not in that same place.

Some things have been good for me.. school, volunteering.. making time for trips. OtoH, my self esteem has taken a nosedive, and with it, my weight.. back toward 200.. Yesterday my logged weigh-in was 196.3 and probably would have kept going if I didn't do something.

I took a long walk. I'm going to need to take a LOT of long walks, and cut back on doughnuts and lemon bars (although I may need the latter in a pinch) The program isn't supposed to cut out naughtiness all together, but it does make you think more about what you're eating and how much.. so that's good.

The troubling thing for me is how I've gone from feeling good about myself.. even when I was heavier. I was me.. not amazing me.. but me. That person my DTLA neighbor friends knew. Ready for most anything, full of natural confidence, full of of perseverance. Lately I'm feeling more like "I dunno.." and "Should I bother??" "I don't want to be an inconvenience.." ugh. gross.

Of course I don't want to be an inconvenience! My very existance.. my being here on earth is an inconvenience, but I've been dealing with it. I'm here. I'm stuck, not going anywhere.. but I was in a good place and these last ten months, I just feel like my self-worth is being chipped away. WTF? How did I let this happen? (not to mention the vast amounts of psychic energy that I've been drained.) I don't know how it happened or if it's worth figuring out.. I could expend energy worrying about how I give over control to things or people, but that in itself seems a waste of my energy.

I could sit at home and avoid people. I've done that and honestly it didn't get me anywhere. I felt better after a day but more than that was gratuitous and I stressed out about things I couldn't know..

The thing is, sitting at home isn't going to help in the long run. I like people too much. I like being around life, living, breathing and nature.. I want to feel the earth and see the sky and the fresh air. I want to be surrounded by lovely things and people. I want to be that flaneur: observer of life that I used to be.. (maybe not so much the blogging tho.)

I want to walk til I run out of earth. I want to head out to Ocean Beach one day and hear the waves drown out the negative tapes I got playing 24/7.. I need to get seriously grounded, and I need to focus my energy on good & worthwhile people and ventures.. and learn to save something for myself.

I want to be avaiable for people when I can be, but if my efforts make no difference or my attendance makes no difference, I need to learn to get over myself and find something worth my energies... maybe treat myself to a good book, a poetry reading, or that long walk.. or spend time with a friend or aquaintance who enjoys my company too.

Losing weight (again) may help but there's other things I need to heed if I want my well-rounded confindence back that will weather any weight gain.

still chugging along

so still on weight watchers for the most part.. Haven't been tracking so much since I've been walking most every day.. When I have class or am heading to Berkeley to study most often I am walking both ways.. which from Emeryville is about 5miles.

It's slow-going but as of this past week I was 182.2lbs but then I had a pint & a big honking bowl of mac & cheese at Triple Rock and then most of my lemon square from the Cafe on the corner.



The good thing is I was able to take out my K&B purple tee and wear yesterday! I bought it from Fleurty Girl (new orleans) about 4 years ago with the intent to wear it to Downtown LA Art Walk.. Since then they don't actually sell the shirt on their site, although they do have a 'classic' K&B logo tee.. I'm thinking the rights on those things are loosening up.. I like my crayon shirt though.. and now that I can actually wear it..

Week One: Weekends Blow it!

Today's weigh-in was 196.2 pounds.. that's a 3oz loss. Oh boy.. I know I should be glad for anything.. but what ticks me off is that at some point this past week I had gotten down to 194.5.. but then the weekend happened.

Saturday we ran errands and I managed to get some 18k steps in and over an hour of walking.. but I still ate a big breakfast. Sunday we took public transit to the Presidio for Off the Grid's Picnic in the Park where I ate half a cheeseburger with brie.. and a scoop of some seriously yummy Humphrey Slocombe.

Dinner was at Jupiter where we split some serously good beet salad and a veggie pizza in the thoughts we'd have leftovers for Meatless Monday.. no such luck! We devoured that thing!

So yeah, weekends I seem to blow it. Even with sharing and getting plenty of walking in, I seem to use up all my weeklies. Yes, I know they're there to be used. It doesn't mean I HAVE to use them, because I don't.

On good days, (when we have a good abundance of fruit for snacking) I do well to stay within my daily point target.. A couple days last week, I even let a couple dailies go unused. I was full. I was fine. No snacking required. Other days, not so much. I can't help but wonder if maybe I should change my weigh-in day to Friday. Weekends just blow it for me.

week zero.. again

I've been off program the last few weeks during June. I spent over 2 weeks in Florida, first as part of Sean's first 'workation' of this year (they've been cutting back on travel with the project he's working on..) and then less than a week after we returned, I was flying back to Florida as my mom's partner of some 22 years passed on. He'd been terminally ill w/ brain cancer since January. We were glad to visit the short time we did before he passed.. but yes, it's been rough on his family and on my mom.

Suffice to say I haven't been able to stay on program.. haven't really concerned myself with it that much. When I was walking around the World during the workation*, I just tried to stay focused on getting my 10k+ steps in (and managed very well thank you!) and getting in my 2 milks and 6 servings of fruits and veg.. which I did alright.


my best day's walking while in Orlando the first week of June 2013.

The following week or so (from the 14th through the 25th) at my mom's was another story; getting my milk and fruit/veg in actually was more difficult. Kind friends and neighbors were bringing by a stream of naughty desserts and huge casseroles. I managed to get my 10k steps in most days believe it or not by just running around the house helping my mom organize, sort and put away things..

When we got home late Tuesday night I didn't bother to count points the remainder of the week. I weighed in on Monday at 195.5 which was actually a 2+ pound drop for me from whenever I last weighed in.. about a month or so ago.

So going back on program I'm starting over, yet again... Maybe I shouldn't focus on the weight so much but on the behaviors. Focus on getting my proper food in and getting my steps in.

I want to feel good about myself but I think focusing on my health more than what I'm eating might be a better change for me right now. For now.

*workation.. usually means Sean is working while I am on "vacation"

Week 15

15 Apr 2013: 194.8
08 Apr 2013: 196.6
last week: 199.3
25 Mar 2013: 196.3


This time I remembered Meatless Monday and had cereal. We had one last cup of the Special K Chocolatey Strawberry.. which I don't recommend unless you prefer Special K Strawberries..

Despite not being a fan of Special K Strawberry I cut up some FRESH strawberries we picked up from Berkeley Bowl West and added to my cereal. By the time I got the berries cut up & put in the cereal the freeze dried ones Kellogg's uses finally rehydrated for the most part (which is the main reason I don't like their berries.. they're dry and hard and funky usually if I don't mix the cereal up and wait). Adding the fresh berries helped the taste and texture a lot!

Meatless Monday Confession: I screwed up.

Sean has class elsewhere this morning.. He got up early and headed out around 530/ 6am. He had his coffee and all his work stuff with him.. I briefly wondered if he'd remembered to eat something before heading out as I poured a half cup of milk into my coffee mug, shooed the cat away, and then went to heat my milk up in the microwave. (I like to add it hot to some coffee so it doesn't affect the coffee's temp)

Inside the microwave is a paper towel wrapped "Smart Ones" turkey sausage, egg & cheese English Muffin breakfast sandwich. My brain processes only about half of the fact that Sean started to nuke a breakfast sandwich but got distracted and forgot. (He's been doing Meatless Monday with me too.. even tho he doesn't have to)

I take out the sandwich, nuke my milk and then decide not to waste the sandwich and re-heat & eat the thing. AFTER I eat it I remember "oh RATS! it's MONDAY. I just weighed myself so of course it's Monday.. ugh!!!)

I was Meatless last night for dinner.. so I do eat many meatless meals.. but TODAY is supposed to be totally meatless.. So do I start over tomorrow?? or do I continue today Meatless and then spend tomorrow meatless too?? ugh. I've been so good at this so far this year.. but not perfect.

UPDATE: just found out the English Muffin Sandwich was from yesterday!! (maybe it wasn't the fish oil supplement that made me want to throw up mid-morning after all) Sean just came home and after I asked him, he's all "what English Muffin??" ewww. 10:06pm

Week 14

This losing weight thing is slow-going.. Gained 3lbs last week in bloating/girl-curse but luckily most of it went away.. unfortunately I didn't lose any weight.. If anything I gained. ugh..


08 Apr 2013: 196.6
last week: 199.3
25 Mar 2013: 196.3
18 Mar 2013: 197.9