weighing confidence..

Around August last year I was somewhere between 170 and 180.. and feeling good about my physical well-being. Oh, I know I'm not attractive.. the face I can't help: it's functional, and I'm getting older. Oh, the weight! I was feeling OK about my weight..

I was walking a lot and feeling the difference in my joints a bit, and feeling it in the size of my clothes. Stuff I pulled out of the "too small" drawer fit comfortably. I was in a good space to keep going. Fast forward to today and I'm not that same person; not in that same place.

Some things have been good for me.. school, volunteering.. making time for trips. OtoH, my self esteem has taken a nosedive, and with it, my weight.. back toward 200.. Yesterday my logged weigh-in was 196.3 and probably would have kept going if I didn't do something.

I took a long walk. I'm going to need to take a LOT of long walks, and cut back on doughnuts and lemon bars (although I may need the latter in a pinch) The program isn't supposed to cut out naughtiness all together, but it does make you think more about what you're eating and how much.. so that's good.

The troubling thing for me is how I've gone from feeling good about myself.. even when I was heavier. I was me.. not amazing me.. but me. That person my DTLA neighbor friends knew. Ready for most anything, full of natural confidence, full of of perseverance. Lately I'm feeling more like "I dunno.." and "Should I bother??" "I don't want to be an inconvenience.." ugh. gross.

Of course I don't want to be an inconvenience! My very existance.. my being here on earth is an inconvenience, but I've been dealing with it. I'm here. I'm stuck, not going anywhere.. but I was in a good place and these last ten months, I just feel like my self-worth is being chipped away. WTF? How did I let this happen? (not to mention the vast amounts of psychic energy that I've been drained.) I don't know how it happened or if it's worth figuring out.. I could expend energy worrying about how I give over control to things or people, but that in itself seems a waste of my energy.

I could sit at home and avoid people. I've done that and honestly it didn't get me anywhere. I felt better after a day but more than that was gratuitous and I stressed out about things I couldn't know..

The thing is, sitting at home isn't going to help in the long run. I like people too much. I like being around life, living, breathing and nature.. I want to feel the earth and see the sky and the fresh air. I want to be surrounded by lovely things and people. I want to be that flaneur: observer of life that I used to be.. (maybe not so much the blogging tho.)

I want to walk til I run out of earth. I want to head out to Ocean Beach one day and hear the waves drown out the negative tapes I got playing 24/7.. I need to get seriously grounded, and I need to focus my energy on good & worthwhile people and ventures.. and learn to save something for myself.

I want to be avaiable for people when I can be, but if my efforts make no difference or my attendance makes no difference, I need to learn to get over myself and find something worth my energies... maybe treat myself to a good book, a poetry reading, or that long walk.. or spend time with a friend or aquaintance who enjoys my company too.

Losing weight (again) may help but there's other things I need to heed if I want my well-rounded confindence back that will weather any weight gain.