Stressing on Points

06 JULY: 196.3

13 JULY: 193.0

3.3lb difference. In an ideal world one wants to lose about a pound a week.. but I haven't been on program for a while so often a bit of weight is lost the first week or two, depending on what one has been up to.

To be honest I didn't track a couple days this past week, I went through a bit of stress what with my laptop/bag getting stolen earlier in the week, as well a considerable dissapointment of another kind that I still am not really able to deal with at the moment, (though I suppose I will soon enough) and going out to eat yesterday for my one big meal.

Not a perfect week, but not a bad week, I managed to walk most every day. Walking to & from the library gets me about 40-50 minutes of active walking, and anything else is just bonus.. Walking to School and back is ideal, and I'll be doing that 3x a week come the Fall.

My main problem is reaching for snacks when I'm feeling stressed.. and this past week I've been a bit stressed. The other problem is getting proper meals in. When I've been at the library in the past, I don't eat. It's not that I don't want to eat, it's just a pain to leave the work I'm doing. I try to have some tea before I start and then eat when I go home or before class. The thing I need to remind myself is that no one is going to come by and ask me to get some lunch or check on me.. and why should they?? I need to find a good stopping point and remember to treat myself decent.

My daily target is now 26 points with the 49 weeklies. In a perfect world I like to use my activity points rather than the weeklies. That's my daily goal anyway.. Keep off those weeklies! Yes they are there to be used, but if I walk an hour a day, why would I need to if I'm eating healthy most of the time?? IMHO, of course.

weighing confidence..

Around August last year I was somewhere between 170 and 180.. and feeling good about my physical well-being. Oh, I know I'm not attractive.. the face I can't help: it's functional, and I'm getting older. Oh, the weight! I was feeling OK about my weight..

I was walking a lot and feeling the difference in my joints a bit, and feeling it in the size of my clothes. Stuff I pulled out of the "too small" drawer fit comfortably. I was in a good space to keep going. Fast forward to today and I'm not that same person; not in that same place.

Some things have been good for me.. school, volunteering.. making time for trips. OtoH, my self esteem has taken a nosedive, and with it, my weight.. back toward 200.. Yesterday my logged weigh-in was 196.3 and probably would have kept going if I didn't do something.

I took a long walk. I'm going to need to take a LOT of long walks, and cut back on doughnuts and lemon bars (although I may need the latter in a pinch) The program isn't supposed to cut out naughtiness all together, but it does make you think more about what you're eating and how much.. so that's good.

The troubling thing for me is how I've gone from feeling good about myself.. even when I was heavier. I was me.. not amazing me.. but me. That person my DTLA neighbor friends knew. Ready for most anything, full of natural confidence, full of of perseverance. Lately I'm feeling more like "I dunno.." and "Should I bother??" "I don't want to be an inconvenience.." ugh. gross.

Of course I don't want to be an inconvenience! My very existance.. my being here on earth is an inconvenience, but I've been dealing with it. I'm here. I'm stuck, not going anywhere.. but I was in a good place and these last ten months, I just feel like my self-worth is being chipped away. WTF? How did I let this happen? (not to mention the vast amounts of psychic energy that I've been drained.) I don't know how it happened or if it's worth figuring out.. I could expend energy worrying about how I give over control to things or people, but that in itself seems a waste of my energy.

I could sit at home and avoid people. I've done that and honestly it didn't get me anywhere. I felt better after a day but more than that was gratuitous and I stressed out about things I couldn't know..

The thing is, sitting at home isn't going to help in the long run. I like people too much. I like being around life, living, breathing and nature.. I want to feel the earth and see the sky and the fresh air. I want to be surrounded by lovely things and people. I want to be that flaneur: observer of life that I used to be.. (maybe not so much the blogging tho.)

I want to walk til I run out of earth. I want to head out to Ocean Beach one day and hear the waves drown out the negative tapes I got playing 24/7.. I need to get seriously grounded, and I need to focus my energy on good & worthwhile people and ventures.. and learn to save something for myself.

I want to be avaiable for people when I can be, but if my efforts make no difference or my attendance makes no difference, I need to learn to get over myself and find something worth my energies... maybe treat myself to a good book, a poetry reading, or that long walk.. or spend time with a friend or aquaintance who enjoys my company too.

Losing weight (again) may help but there's other things I need to heed if I want my well-rounded confindence back that will weather any weight gain.