Post-Pandemic Return

After two and a half years -- we're getting back on-program (using the app).  The Sean seems to be getting out and about and doing well -- he's getting a lot of steps in -- and for a while, I was starting to get a lot of active walking, etc., in but not losing weight. My best-comfort weight was at about 170 -- then moving upwards through shelter-in-place. Beginning Friday last week: 

• start weight:      222     (26 Feb) 
• after week 01:   215.8   (04 Mar)

Things I expect to have issues with: 

• avoiding donuts & other things
• snacking
• poor sleep (I have terrible sleep issues) 
• getting enough steps/ active walking in 

Not sure what else to talk about -- the spouse probably doesn't need to be on program so I really appreciate him doing this with me. A lot of things have happened since we did the blog regular (or any blogging honestly) -- Maybe that's a subject for another post in another place, another time. 

I'm still in school, so this was just a quick break while I contemplate content for my CSS homework.. then I was like "Oh yeah, I used to blog A LOT!" and then "OH! I forgot about the weight watchers blog!" and finally, "Hey we just got back on program, maybe I should post about that!" We'll see how regular we are about it! 

weighing confidence..

Around August last year I was somewhere between 170 and 180.. and feeling good about my physical well-being. Oh, I know I'm not attractive.. the face I can't help: it's functional, and I'm getting older. Oh, the weight! I was feeling OK about my weight..

I was walking a lot and feeling the difference in my joints a bit, and feeling it in the size of my clothes. Stuff I pulled out of the "too small" drawer fit comfortably. I was in a good space to keep going. Fast forward to today and I'm not that same person; not in that same place.

Some things have been good for me.. school, volunteering.. making time for trips. OtoH, my self esteem has taken a nosedive, and with it, my weight.. back toward 200.. Yesterday my logged weigh-in was 196.3 and probably would have kept going if I didn't do something.

I took a long walk. I'm going to need to take a LOT of long walks, and cut back on doughnuts and lemon bars (although I may need the latter in a pinch) The program isn't supposed to cut out naughtiness all together, but it does make you think more about what you're eating and how much.. so that's good.

The troubling thing for me is how I've gone from feeling good about myself.. even when I was heavier. I was me.. not amazing me.. but me. That person my DTLA neighbor friends knew. Ready for most anything, full of natural confidence, full of of perseverance. Lately I'm feeling more like "I dunno.." and "Should I bother??" "I don't want to be an inconvenience.." ugh. gross.

Of course I don't want to be an inconvenience! My very existance.. my being here on earth is an inconvenience, but I've been dealing with it. I'm here. I'm stuck, not going anywhere.. but I was in a good place and these last ten months, I just feel like my self-worth is being chipped away. WTF? How did I let this happen? (not to mention the vast amounts of psychic energy that I've been drained.) I don't know how it happened or if it's worth figuring out.. I could expend energy worrying about how I give over control to things or people, but that in itself seems a waste of my energy.

I could sit at home and avoid people. I've done that and honestly it didn't get me anywhere. I felt better after a day but more than that was gratuitous and I stressed out about things I couldn't know..

The thing is, sitting at home isn't going to help in the long run. I like people too much. I like being around life, living, breathing and nature.. I want to feel the earth and see the sky and the fresh air. I want to be surrounded by lovely things and people. I want to be that flaneur: observer of life that I used to be.. (maybe not so much the blogging tho.)

I want to walk til I run out of earth. I want to head out to Ocean Beach one day and hear the waves drown out the negative tapes I got playing 24/7.. I need to get seriously grounded, and I need to focus my energy on good & worthwhile people and ventures.. and learn to save something for myself.

I want to be avaiable for people when I can be, but if my efforts make no difference or my attendance makes no difference, I need to learn to get over myself and find something worth my energies... maybe treat myself to a good book, a poetry reading, or that long walk.. or spend time with a friend or aquaintance who enjoys my company too.

Losing weight (again) may help but there's other things I need to heed if I want my well-rounded confindence back that will weather any weight gain.

Back on the Wagon Agaaaain!

WEIGH IN: 208.9 lbs
GOAL: 150 lbs


When I originally went on program I got down to 170.. then the move happened, I fell off the wagon and kept falling off.. so I'm about 209 now.. I remember how good I felt at that weight (even if it wasn't my goal weight so I want to get back there!

This year my goals are also to BLOG more.. so that includes posting here everyday, even if it's a photo of whatever food we're eating.. Sean may post too, but I'm the only one here saying I will make it a priority. =)

I need to use the tools we have to get to the target.. (my ultimate weight should probably be like 125 but we got a while to go before I worry about that, OK?)

-exercise bike (use while watching news/movie/etc)

-Wii Fit (& the XBox Kinect once it's connected)..Walk it Out and other games

-bicycle for riding around the neighborhood/ running errands

-walk just to walk, not just for errands

YOGA, ZUMBA or Butt-Kicking Boot Camp?
I'm also contemplating taking some classes of some kind at some point. I just don't know. I don't want to join a gym.. but I'd like to do some kind of yoga, meditation or maybe some kind of boot camp or zumba thing.. Jazzercise.. What's keeping me from going to something like this? Cost.. my spouse's lack of enthusiasm (I know I can go on my own but then I get back to the 'spending money' thing) and the fact that I always see waif-like fiona apple type people in the yoga classes. They should have yoga for real people.. Earth Goddess, Zaftig, Husky, Jabba the Hutt looking girls and guys.. Seriously.. 60% of the population is overweight or 'obese' so why don't they have classes for us fat cats? And please, I KNOW I am fat.. I am a fat cat!! "MEOW!" Don't tick me off I'll sit on you.. LOL!

OK now that we got over that sensitive segue, there's the other thing.. The girly chocolate cheeseburger of it all.. My weight will fluctuate.. I'm on that happy week where I"m carrying an extra pint or two.. or gallon of water weight. I feel like crap. It happens. I've waltzed around it in the past but I guess like all grown ups I need to own up to it and deal with it.. So I won't shy away from that in the future.. Who knows? Honesty. It's about being honest with myself more than anything so there you go.

Can't think of anything else to mention right now. So, here we go!

It's time to start today.